Expressing Your Birth Choices: Effective Communication with Others

Having autonomy and choice in your own birth plans and preferences are exceptionally important to your overall wellbeing. Birth plans can improve your control over the birth process and can reduce fears and create an environment where your choices are respected [1]. The amount of autonomy that women have during pregnancy and birth is also associated with better birth experiences [1].

You may find that you have had a very clear idea of what your birth plan will be, or you may be more open to shared discussions. Either way, it’s essential to know how to communicate your preferences with others and how to react and engage in conversations with family and friends who may offer unsolicited advice.

Navigating your Boundaries with Friends and Family

Whether you are dead-set or a little unsure of how you would like your birthing experience to go, it is vital that you can communicate this with those closest to you. This way they can engage and help navigate the hurdles to ensure your preferences are met.

Sometimes our friends and family can become wrapped up within the excitement or the upcoming birth of a new baby that they start to offer their own ideas and advice. It can be beneficial for you to carefully navigate your boundaries with them, especially if they suggest ideas, you are not comfortable with, or if they wish to change a plan which has been set by you, your partner and/or your doctor.

Following communication strategies, such as DEAR MAN, can help achieve your objectives, such as setting boundaries with your friends and family about how you would like your birthing experience to go.

DEAR MAN

DEAR MAN is one of the various communication models utilised within Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT), which is a type of talking therapy which aims to help you understand and accept difficult feelings and foster skills to manage emotions [2]. This acronym in particular helps remind you how to clearly express your needs and desires [3].

1. Describe: Describe the situation objectively. Stick the facts where possible as the goal is to get everyone on the same page.

For example: “I intend on having a water birth because of these benefits …”

2. Express: Let others know how this situation makes you feel by clearly expressing your feelings. You can’t expect others to read your mind, so try using this line: “I feel … because …”

For example: “I feel this is the correct choice for me because I have discussed the benefits with my healthcare provider”.

3. Assert: Don’t beat round the bush and say what you need to say.

For example: DON’T SAY: “I like the idea of water births” DO SAY: “A water birth is what me and my partner and/or healthcare provider have decided on”.

4. Reinforce: Reward people who respond well and reinforce why your desired outcome is positive. This can be a simple smile or thank you.

For example: “Thank you for listening and respecting my preferences”.

5. Mindful: Don’t forget the objective of the interaction as it can be easy to get sidetracked into harmful arguments and lose focus.

6. Appear: Appear confident. Consider your posture, tone, eye contact, and body language.

7. Negotiate: No one can have everything they want out of an interaction all the time, so be open to some negotiations.

For example: “I know you have ideas about my birthing plan and I’m open to discussing them at some point with you”.

Navigating Unsolicited Advice from Friends and Family

Your friends and family can often offer (sometimes) unsolicited feedback and advice that you probably didn’t ask for or maybe need. We know this often comes from a place of care, but it is important to try and remain calm.

During these discussions you can follow the DEAR MAN acronym, but it may also be useful to keep in mind another useful communication tool acronym. GIVE helps achieve relationship effectiveness by fostering positive interactions through healthy communication, in a way which helps us think about and understand the other persons perspective [4].

GIVE

1. Gentle: Don’t attack, threaten, or express judgment during your interactions. You also need to accept the occasional no for your requests.

For example: Having a birth plan which your healthcare providers deem as potentially ‘unsafe’. Your close ones may demonstrate concern for your choices.

2. Interested: Show interest by listening to the other person without interrupting.

3. Validate: Be outwardly validating to the other person’s thoughts and feelings. Acknowledge their feelings, recognise when your requests are demanding, and respect their opinions.

4. Easy: Have an easy attitude. Try to smile and act light-heartedly where possible.

Sometimes these difficult interactions can lead to conflict so it may be useful to share this acronym with your partner or other close friends and family so that you can all develop throughout your pregnancy journey and beyond.

Navigating and communicating your birth plan boundaries is an important step in your pregnancy journey and can improve your pregnancy experiences by offering you autonomy and choice.

Using DBT tools can help foster long-term beneficial communication strategies which allow you to achieve your goals within discussions and enable positive relationships with those closest to you so they can continue to support you in the ways you would like them to.