Bonding: Myth vs. Reality

No other relationship is as demanding or time-consuming as that between a mother and a baby. In the first few weeks after birth, moms get up in the middle of the night to feed their babies and respond to the baby's many cries. Bonding is the thing that gets them to do this.

So, what is bonding?

Maternal-infant bonding is the emotional tie mothers feel towards their babies. Bonding starts in pregnancy and intensifies after birth. Most babies are born ready to bond right away. Parents, however, may have mixed feelings. Some feel an instant, intense bond. For others, it may take a bit longer.

Why is bonding so important?

Bonding is essential for the survival and development of a baby. Your baby’s brain develops rapidly after birth and is affected by early experiences. How your baby’s brain develops will affect many things, such as their ability to learn, solve problems, and get along with others.

• Children who experience secure relationships will be better able to experience, regulate, and express emotions.

• Secure bonding also provides the child with emotional security and allows them to discover the world around him.

• Bonding also impacts the mother’s interaction with the baby. The better the bond, the more sensitive and responsive the mom is to her child’s needs.

Myths vs Reality of Bonding

• Myth No. 1: It happens instantly and immediately after birth, like ‘love at first sight’.

Well, it does not feel like romantic love whatsoever. It is different from one woman to another. It can develop gradually or quickly.

• Myth No. 2: It’s an all-or-nothing thing.

Nope, it is not. It is a process, a set of feelings and behaviours that a new mom needs time to learn and feel confident about. For many parents, bonding builds out of everyday caregiving. The more you invest in caring for your baby, the more the bond intensifies.

And like all relationships, feelings vary day by day. One day, you may feel connected to your baby. On the other, you may feel tired of it. That does not make you a bad mom.

• Myth No. 3: You can only bond if you breastfeed.

Early breastfeeding does indeed help intensify the mom-baby bond. However, breastfeeding and bottle-feeding are both natural times for bonding. So, it is independent of the way of feeding. Babies respond to the smell and touch of their mothers, as well as the responsiveness of the parents to their needs.

• Myth No. 4: It only happens if you have skin-to-skin contact immediately after birth.

Again, this is only sometimes possible despite the importance of early skin-to-skin contact and how it boosts the maternal-baby bond, for example, in case of admission of the baby to the NICU or maternal health issues. Immediate contact isn't necessary for the future bonding of parents with their babies. Even adoptive parents and their babies can bond just as well as biological parents and their children.

So, what is the problem?

The problem with these myths is that those deep cultural beliefs might affect your feelings or your behaviours towards your baby. For example, many moms may feel ashamed, tense, or hopeless because they did not feel “the love at first sight”. They may have thoughts like;

• ‘Being a mother should come naturally.’

• ‘I’m a failure’

• ‘I ‘m a bad mom’

• ‘What’s wrong with me.’

• ‘My baby doesn’t like me’.

And as a reaction to these thoughts, a new mom may:

• Avoid the baby.

• Avoid other mothers and hide thoughts and feelings because of shame.

• Never leave the baby with anyone because of guilt.

All of which will only make the mission harder. So let go of the struggle and just let it be. Take time to adjust to the changes and get to know your baby. Don’t try to force it. You may not even realise it is happening until you see your baby's first smile.

So, the next step is to learn about the barriers to bonding.