5 Things that Can Help Us with Perfectionistic Tendencies

Perfectionism is rewarded by society and maybe by those around you. It’s likely you will need to be the one to tell yourself to put your feet up. Your employers or partner may not say that less is more and that a deep appreciation of small things makes people much happier than the restless pursuit of self improvement.

High standards are pernicious and need to challenged if we’re finding it hard to start things, fear failure, don’t enjoy things for fear of how they might turn out, find it hard to make decisions (clinical levels of FOMO) and if self-worth feels overly dependent on productivity. Why don’t you just get to be, like all the other animal species? I know the human mind is complicated and it’s not that simple. These are some things that can help though:

1. Aiming for “Good Enough” rather than perfection

Whether it’s laundry, the state of the house, socialising or parenting. This is always helpful. You might surprise yourself and overshoot but it will be easier to start this way. Consider what you are willing to lower your standards on and take the pressure off. It might be nice for everyone around you too. We need to cut ourselves some slack during such an enormous transition. Often we clamp down on ourselves, tighten our expectations and become more rigid and disappointed in ourselves. Actually, we could use a hug and permission to be a bit of a slob.

2. Practice Mindfulness

Bringing mindful attention means we’re not adding layers to our experience deciding if we like things or not, moment by moment. It encourages us to get in flow. We can rest our attention in the present moment. It’s much nicer than ruminating about the past or worrying about the future. Is there anything in this moment to focus on. The breath? Sounds around us? Touch, taste or smell? We can tire ourselves thinking about all the things we might need to do and all the ways in which we might fail or we can attempt with compassion to ‘come into our senses’ and proceed with the task at hand. Getting lost in a task without thinking about the outcome usually makes it go better anyway! See if there’s something you could experiment with if this sounds like it could be useful for you.

3. Embrace Vulnerability

It’s a super power! Could you allow some imperfections? You might be underestimating others assuming that they will love you more if you’re perfect. Most people find perfectionists make them feel a bit inadequate by casting aspersions on their own lives. As the poet Rumi says, “Don't turn away. Keep your gaze on the bandaged place. That's where the light enters you.” Being vulnerable with others promotes intimacy. Could you admit a little bit of imperfection to those around you and see if they love you just the same? Probably you could drop the last 10% of effort and no one would notice.

4. Acknowledge Successes

Perfectionists very rarely pause and celebrate their successes. Don’t discount your achievements. Keep a record of daily wins, no matter how small. This practice can help you appreciate your efforts and combat negative self-talk. Note down three things a day in a pad by your bed. If you can’t think of three things your standards are surely too high. A shower on a low day, messaging a friend, taking some time to rest and bond with baby…etc. It’s all part of being a good mum knowing when to take rest and go gently on yourself, so do attend to those sorts of wins too.

5. Model Flexibility and Self-Care

Children need real human parents who can give them calm attention (as best we can, at least sometimes) and help them navigate the storms of life. We can’t create a perfect world for them unfortunately and they do not need perfect parents. What would a perfect parent be? Would they have to be a cook, doctor, cleaner, teacher, project manager, saint etc? Good enough really is good enough.

Model good self care by looking after yourself, allowing and prioritising rest and considering whether high standards are helpful for you, or if there are some areas where some flexibility would be kinder. Noone ever looks back and wishes they had a tidier house for example (unless you’re a hoarder in which case help is available).